Some guys don't understand the simplest concepts. It's not due to stupidity, just plain old-fashioned stubbornness. Selfishness might be closer.
Take the guy who asked a girl out consistently for five or so years, to whom the girl never said yes. This only heightened this guy's incessant AIM messages bearing the random "hey," his proddings of "we should hang out sometime." Despite her consistent no's, he persisted. Red flag, much?
We're taught that guys are supposed to chase us, to basically pester us and wear us down until we finally give in and say yes. We're told that this is merely playing hard to get. That our behavior in fact lures men to us. Because men like challenges.
What I now see from the aforementioned scenario wasn't some kind of chivalrous persistence. The dude was simply not listening. She said no. She doesn't want to go out with you. Back the fuck off.
I'm a little frustrated today, hence the swearing, which I try not to do in my writing and in conversation. But I just got a seemingly well-intentioned voicemail from the person with whom I agreed to not speak, see, etc for three months. He was thinking of me and wants to go grab a cup of coffee.
Thinking of me? Really? Seems more like, as was the case with a guy who doesn't understand the word no, he is just thinking of himself. He wants to see me. He wants to get together. But what about what I want? What I need? What I asked for?
And perhaps I shouldn't be frustrated. Instead, I should be grateful. After all, the reason I am not speaking to this person is because I'd discovered our relationship was (surprise, surprise!) pretty much all about what he wanted. So, in a way, his proposition to break our three-month break only validates my decision for instigating one in the first place. I guess what I should say to him, if anything, since there is no way in hell I'm calling him back, is merely this: Thank you.
Because I've made a promise to myself: I'm done dating people who pretend to care about my needs but really only do so when our needs are compatible. If I'm going to be in a long-term relationship with anybody, I'm not going to settle for, say, being expected to treat my boyfriend as the most important aspect of my life, but then get placed as 4th or 5th on his totem pole of priorities. I'm not some trophy girlfriend, someone who'll hang onto your arm and your every word. If I'm going to give up my newfound freedom, it sure as hell better be worth it.
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9 comments:
a cathartic read.
why thank you.
I posted some unspecific comment but then I decided it wasn't beneficial to you as the author and I didn't want to confirm your suspicions about men and there occasional selfishness. I found the tone of this to be unlike many of the other posts on here. I can completely associate with much of what you're saying, specifically the last paragraph but I also feel at this stage in our lives, the totem pole is constantly changing, regardless of how much we might think it isn't/want it to not. I'm not saying you should chalk it up to that, nor should any man use this as an excuse, but I know that I love my girlfriend more than everything and she me, but sometimes one of us looks up at the top of the totem pole, and doesn't see the other. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't let social/cultural dogma control your expectations of what a fruitful, mature relationship is. I'm confident the right man will realize how special you are when the time is right.
-A
Oh I totally agree Ali that the totem pole changes. What I'm talking about is when you are with someone who expects YOU to put them as number one, but then refuses to do the same for you. Either both people make the commitment do put each other first or they don't, it's the onesidedness that irks me.
I don't think at this point in my life I should have to put anyone first but myself (and would hope that whoever I date at this point would feel the same way).
The tone of this post is definitely different. Having the ex boyfriend call and pretend everything is a-ok will do that to a gal :)
I can tell you definitively that I know EXACTLY what you speak of. My girlfriend and I will go a week or two without seeing each other or a couple days without talking (which makes me want to put something sharp in my eye) and then we'll talk or see each other and I guess she expects it to happen as if everything is just hunky dory... Yeah, that pisses me off to holy high hell, though I have been getting better about it.
I totally agree with what you're saying... If anyone is in a relationship at our age and the expectation is for both people to be atop the others' pole, so to speak, then both parties should reciprocate. But how often is that the case? How often do we express sentiment and actually follow through? I would say rarely.
I challenge you to not get caught up in expecting anything out of any situation. I've found, specifically with all my relationships in my life, if I take things as they come and never find myself cross referencing or measuring contribution, I enjoy my time with the person when I'm lucky enough to have it, and I don't wallow in the absence of something I never expected in the first place. This applies to family, friends and better halves. (ha)
After quite a roller coaster ride of relational experiences in college, I've found that selfishness is inherently human, as is unconditional compassion and love. Thus is the human detriment... we are f*cked from the get go. Happy Hump-Day!
Thanks A.N. for your insight!
Another facet of this is I was in relationship in which I was made to feel guilty if I didn't put my bf at the top of myu list of priorities. As you said, it's impossible to follow throught with that all the time. Perhaps it was the guilt more than anything that I resent...
I actually just finished "The Power of Now," which challenges us to stop anticipating the future and getting caught in detrimental over-thinking patterns (something I am nearly always do). At this point, not only am I committed to putting "me" first, but in terms of dating, I've learned that if I worry about where a relationship is going, or even what it is, I will just drive myself crazy. Sometimes feelings can't be labeled, and that's ok.
The important thing is to be happy. And if you live in the "now" (not in the past and not worrying about what will happen five minutes from now) there is really now way to be anything but happy! So far, it's working for me, although it is hard to keep up. All I know is that it feels damn good when I stay in the current moment :)
ugh. please forgive the typos. sometimes I get a little over excited when I write... :)
You're right... it does feel good to live in the moment, though I'd agree with you that it is infinitely difficult.
And I forgive your typos... there were only two and they were both typical... what with the u being right next to the y and our tendency to add a t to the word though making it thought... I'm guilty of both... After all this chatter about not having expectations, what kind of hypocrite would I be if I were judging your typos...
... OK I take that back. You're an English instructor... clean it up, will ya?!
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