Focus.

It just kind of hit me this morning that I am in my last semester of grad school. I mean, I've been saying to people, "Wow, this is my last semester of grad school," for a couple weeks now, but the finality of the words smacked me in the face when I woke up this morning.

My thesis--a book--needs to be finished by July. I want this book to be good, not just acceptable, considering I've been working on it for two years. This weekend, I realized that more than anything in the world, I want this book published. If I never get married, but I have this book sitting on a shelf in Barnes and Noble, I will be completely satisfied in life. Which is ironic (I think) because the book is about young women wanting to get married, me specifically, which I why I started writing it. Apparently, I learned something in these two years. I'm still learning.

(On top of this, I discovered only have 11 weeks of formal writing classes left. I only have 11 more weeks of teaching, a fact that really depressed me as I typed those words. Truthfully, I have no idea what my life is going to be like come May 15, when I graduate. Job? Who knows. Agent? Hopefully, but we all know that's a big if. Sanity? I'll let you know. Anxiety? For sure.)

So, I've decided there is only one thing to do--embark on the course I thought I had set for myself when I became "single" in December. If this book is more important than anything else, why aren't I putting it first? I'm tightening the lens so there is only one person in the frame: me. I'm the person who will be depressed if my book doesn't turn out the way I dreamed it would. I'm the one who will stress if I can't find a job. If I don't invest in myself now, I'm the one who will be disappointed.

New plan: start depending on the only person I can ever truly count on, myself. And focus, focus, focus.

On my iPod today:

"Suddenly I See" by KT Tunstall
"Listen" by Beyonce (Dreamgirls soundtrack)
"The Sign" by Ace of Base
"Stronger" by Britney Spears

and...to torture myself..."With You" by Chris Brown