My Next Job

Well, I have a little less than six months before I am both devoid of health insurance and needing to pay back my student loans. As a precautionary measure, I started my job-search early. Here are my best bets:

1. Weed Abatement Compliance Work Needed: I have THOUSANDS of acres in different areas of Palmdale and Lancaster requiring weed abatement compliance work. If you are not familiar with the term, it is the clearing of brush and weeds on a certain amount of feet/yards around the properties to comply with the City's regulations for fire safety. Time is of the essence for this work, it needs to start and be completed as soon as possible.

Okay, good start. I used to weed with my dad in the backyard every weekend as a kid. Definitely don't mind getting my hands dirty.


2. Indoor Playground Attendant: Must like children and have own car. No experience necessary, will train.

Again, very good. Not sure why I need a car, but hey, can't complain about an indoor playground. Makes the little brats highly more tolerable. (I'm kidding, I love kids. And actually, this job would not be that bad...)


3. Singing Teacher: Prestigious acting school seeks teacher for Broadway Songs.

Awesome! This is what I'm talking about. Now, do I need to actually be able to sing? Or just know all the words? The students are supposed to do the singing, right?


4. I need models for events: Age range from 21-30. Very good looking, latin american appearance, however. blondes also. event is pay $25 per hr and modeling job like photos shoot is pay over $300 per day. i have big event every week, i really need models girls.

This post does not apply to me in any way. (Well, besides the "very good looking" part.) But I like the idea of just hanging out and getting $300. And I like the way this posting is worded--"latin american appearance, however." Not sure what this is insinuating. We know she is not going to get natural blondes.


5. Work Your Own Hours Selling Adult DVD: We provide the product, we ship the product, and we provide leads that have bought. Be your own boss, make $100 a day and go home or make $300 to $500 in a day by working hard. I need people that want to make money. If you want to work out of the house this is not for you. I move product like water and everyday something new comes in. Call Richard for an appointment. Don't email... I'm busy...

This is both depressing and awesome. One hundred bucks a day? Or $500 if I "work hard." I like Richard. "I'm busy." He's tough. He does not take your shit--or your emails. And he talks in both third AND first person.

And...I'm officially depressed. Time to go back to writing my memoir of the good ol' days of sorority invites, Theta lasagna, frat boys who never called, and making an idiot of myself. Please someone buy my book. Or be my agent. Or give me lots of money for no good reason. (Though, if you need a reason, I am very creative. We can work something out. And no, it will not involve lewd acts such as the one's on Richard's DVDs.)

Please, don't make me get a real job. Please let me write.