What's Complicated?

***I wrote this a couple weeks ago and forgot to post, so it's a little outdated (my life is bit less complicated now, thankfully), but still interesting? I hope?

I've decided to not have a "relationship status" up on my Facebook profile, since ending my epically long relationship, opting to completely erase that little one-line nugget of information from my page completely. This is highly due to the fact that I don't know my relationship status. (Can relationships be quantified anyway? What is a relationship status? Is it like an ETA? Or is it TMI? These questions help distract me from the fact that I have no idea if I am someone's girlfriend or what.)

Anyway. I was thinking, if I were to put up a relationship status, I could put "It's complicated," since there isn't an "I don't know" option. But I don't think those two statements are commensurate. While on the elliptical machine some weeks ago (after I saw the guy I'm engaged in some kind of relationship-y thing with through the window and hid my face, only to have him totally see me anyway and me look and feel like a total spaz), I started thinking about what the complicated option really means.

It's complicated isn't really complicated. It just feels complicated. It's complicated because you're too afraid to ask questions. Or to define whatever it is you have going, because taking that leap feels so permanent and scary. Asking if someone wants to take that leap is more terrifying. Plus, whenever I've seen "it's complicated" up on someone's profile (save my best friend Jenn's because she and her boyfriend have it up as a joke) I take it to mean that you're involved with a guy wants to sleep with you but not actually make you his girlfriend.

Which you think is great at first, because, hey, you've got needs too, until you have no idea what the fuck is going on emotionally and find yourself thinking way too much about him even though sometimes you're not even sure if you really like him that much or if you're just lusting after some ideal version of him because you've built him up so much in your head that he verges on the brink of deity. Then, as soon as you've calmed down and convinced yourself you're okay with the non-definition of your relationship, you see him and he looks really, REALLY attractive (an unshaven face, a tan, and hair on the verge of desperately needing a haircut are my weaknesses) and then you want to jump him in broad daylight.

But who knows? Maybe all relationships, save the boring ones (you know who you are), are complicated. People are complicated. Or maybe all of the relationships I will have will be inherently complicated, because I am. To tell you the truth, I kinda like being complicated. Life is much more interesting without a safety net. But, when I need one, I'll ask for it.