Awkward, just plain dumb, or super freakin' brave, you decide: Last night (the particularly unscheduled Sunday kind of quiet evening), I decided to email/message certain males from my past to clear the air, make some requests, and ask some lingering questions that prevent me from enjoying normal brain activity. And, no, I have not been drinking. Really? Yep. Really. Huh. Wow.
I've spent too much of my life tiptoeing around boys, putting what I believe to be their feelings, wants, or expectations before my own, and worrying about being too needy, too demanding, too whatever. Well, dear readers, that era is over.
Naturally, I still believe in being a normal human being, as I have illustrated before on this blog, I'm merely addressing another facet of my kaleidoscopic personality.
Here's my problem: I've either been in relationships in which the guy has selected me, instead of me selecting him, flattering my ego so much that I just go out with him without thinking if he is what I truly want, or I've been so infatuated with the guy I'm dating that I am terrified of messing things up or doing anything that will make him question his decision to be with me, which pretty much paralyzes me into an awkward version of myself where I barely talk and become totally lame. Super fun times, all around.
No more, I say. I'm done walking on the proverbial eggshells. Not just because that's totally unattractive (and who wants to be with a girl who just wants to please her man and be everything he wants her to be anyway), but because it's selling myself short. Sure, if I show who I really am, I risk having my real self rejected. That's really scary.
But, better to be with someone who loves me for who I am, and not morph into some diluted or specially-tailored version of me every time I date a new guy. Am I right, ladies? We've all been there. No? Just me. Oh. (And now I'm stealing material from David Sedaris, awesome.)
This new plan (or life track, if you will) transcends romantic relationships into the ones I have with friends and family. Instead of worrying about other people and putting myself second, or last, however the case may be, I am going to take care of me. We'll see how it goes.
So, there you have it folks. Tiptoeing is so April 2009. I've got my tap shoes on now.
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2 comments:
Hi, I just stumbled upon your blog and I really enjoyed reading your posts. I'm totally with you on the guy department.... I felt like I was you when you said that guys either choose you or you're totally paralyzed by your infatuation. The ladder just happened to me.....and now he's with someone else. Bummer.
hey! so glad you found me :)
Yeah, that just happened to me too. Dumped. Big time. Mine isn't with someone else yet to my knowledge (and I pity the gal who gets him) but all in all it sucked.
The thing was, I was totally imagining us having this amazing, long-term, fun relationship. But, then, that's the thing about expectations, life always has other plans. Just because you really, really want something, that doesn't mean it will.
Thank you so much for reading!
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