About two months ago, I proclaimed that I hadn't been single in ten years. This is not true.
At the time I wrote said statement I wholeheartedly believed it. After all, in the past ten years I've been involved with guys pretty much fluidly, in that one flowed right into the other. The part that's a stretch was my state-of-singledom.
Single to me months ago meant "un-occupied." (Now, it means, more correctly, "without boyfriend.") Sure, I've been "occupied" for the past ten years. I always had some kind of crush (or, let's be honest, obsession). But does that mean I wasn't single? Surely not. Does the idea of not being single for ten years sound like an interesting narrative to tell about myself? Of course.
One of Julie's friends came to L.A. a couple weeks ago and taught me something I will never forget. She said that I can change my narrative after the fact. That sometimes, when someone asks her about an ex (or just a guy she dated), she will downplay the whole thing if that guy wasn't someone she was exactly proud to have spent so much time with.
So, while I've just confessed to stretching the truth, I'm going to also confess in advance that I am (from now on) going to shrink it instead. I suppose it's not really lying, it's more being honest about what really was instead of trying to have a good story to tell.
Here's the new narrative: In the past ten years I've had two boyfriends. One in high school. One in college. The other guys were just lapses in judgment along the way. They certainly weren't partners. Nor boyfriends. Merely the tangible signs of my insecurity and immaturity. Discounting them, I've been single for four and a half out of ten years.
However, and this may seem odd considering how ecstatic I've been about being single (and for the first time ever!), I am single no more. In the sense of my more recent definition of the word. They say that when you aren't looking someone amazing comes along and, well, he has. Perhaps he is partly to blame for my new outlook on the guys with whom I formerly occupied myself. Because, in comparison, they totally suck balls.
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2 comments:
Something just occurred to me about our generation:
The label and meaning of the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
Up until just a few decades ago, a boyfriend or girlfriend was a much less serious term. Additionally, it was not nearly as readily applied. People were “going” or “going steady” but dating was a chance to get to know a number or possible mates. The catch was that once you found a decent one, you got married.
Nowadays, peopled date for a very very long time. Boyfriend and Girlfriend could mean a freshmen highschool couple, or a couple who has been dating for ten years, live together, and possibly even have a kid together. In a sense, at least for adults, the term boyfriend or girlfriend is not just someone you are dating, but a person you are exclusive and committed to, so much so that many people ask me “so you live with your girlfriend right?” or when they find out I have been dating a girl over a year, expect that I would be.
It would seem that people’s hesitancy to get married nowadays, or the eagerness/readiness to marry in the old days, is the root of the distinction here, and the reason that the meaning of the label has now shifted.
Ironically, the commitment level required/denoted by a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship has greatly increased, (we are not just talking about those going steady to get icecream or a drive through burger). The committmetn to marriage has displaced itself upon the boyfriend girlfriend relationship.
This occurred to me when I considered the times when Lauren and I were not officially “boyfriend girlfriend” what did that even mean? And likewise, how calling her girlfriend now requires that I almost be committed to her like a wife I don’t live with.
Maybe this is all just me and being too good and loyal of a guy or because I am a relationship oriented person. I think also important to note si that the level of intimacy prior to marriage shared between two people interested in eachother is much greater and much more extensive (timewise as well) has greatly increased, so a lot of people’s mindset becomes “why should I marry this person if I get to do all these marriage stigma like things with them anyway.
Which drives the question, what role does the foundation of marriage play for our generation?
Whew. I could write a book on that last question (and, actually, I almost did--it was the original topic of my graduate thesis. crazy).
I agree with you on most points--especially how the bf/gf relationship seems to have become a more serious label--however, "back in the day" didn't people go steady and then get married super young? I'm thinking 1950s--when having a boyfriend was certainly a pre-marital step...
Regardless, I think there is a great deal of pressure on relationships today. When I was with my ex (we dated for four years) it was pretty much a given that we would be getting married one day and I think that sense of expectation detracted from just enjoying our time together. There was a great deal of discussion on where our relationship was "going" instead of just letting it be.
I think it is important for two people in a relationship to be clear about what they want, if they could see themselves marrying the other person (if that's what they want), etc, but, overall, social expectations tend to impede on just being, which makes a relationship more stressful (and "serious") than it needs to be.
In terms of marriage, I think many women (and maybe men too) get married for the wrong reasons: they think they should, they like the idea of marriage, they want to feel or be "secure." On the one hand, marriage is a huge commitment, on the other, with divorce becoming the norm, maybe it's not so much anymore. As far as I'm concerned, I would rather wait until I felt ready to potentially enter into a relationship for life. Until then, I just want to be happy, however that manifests.
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