Ugh. Wedding Pictures. Gross. (Sorry.)

This is a terrible thing to say but some people's wedding photos on Facebook make me want to vomit. I know, I know, maybe I shouldn't look at them if I'm going to be a total bitch and say terrible things like that. Unfortunately Facebook wedding albums are inexplicably fascinating to me and therefore, I cannot help but gawk and let the inevitable nausea seep in.

Confession. I used to be horrifically jealous upon seeing such photos. You know, when I was with the ex and miserable and I thought that marrying the guy would surely cure our relationship's blatant demons. I'd wish that it were me donning the pearl-encrusted up-do, smushing cake into my boyfriend's--no, husband's--face, reveling in the congratulatory aura reflected off my ginormous diamond ring. I wanted my relationship to have the sparkle of fiance, the security of husband. Because, when you're unhappy, wanting to get married is of course totally rational. I was an idiot, what can I say?

To anyone who actually reads this blog and is married and posted their photos on Facebook, I apologize if I'm about to offend you. But, while I love Facebook--the site is the crack-cocaine of the perpetually calculating, and I its faithful junkie--I don't like your wedding photos. (Julie and Rocio, you are exempt from this over-generalization. Probably because I actually like you.) And maybe it's not the wedding photos themsevles, but the fact that people post them the day after their weddings or while they are supposedly on their honeymoons. I get that people (not me) want to see your photos, but come on.

Or maybe I'm just terribly bitter. Perhaps I've heard too many girls substitute "I just want to get married" for "I'm so in love with my boyfriend." Maybe I've heard too many guys talk about girlfriends' ultimatums, about Tiffany catalogues with rings circled left on night-stands for them to find.

Don't get me wrong--I am all for marriage. I'm not, however, for the circus that weddings have become or the fact that things--Tiffany rings for one--have come to symbolize something they are not: love and commitment. Yeah, remember those things? You don't need a $20,000 ring to prove a guy's feelings for you. And if you do you're stupid. Maybe the real problem I have with these wedding photos is the sheer amount of stuff in them: six-tiered cakes, silver place-card holders, hundreds of roses placed in the middle of linened tables. I'm getting a little self-righteous here but I can't imagine wanting that. Anymore.

Yes, I was the girl who imagined myself in a poufy dress, maybe even a tiara, surrounded by 500 of my closest friends (Facebook would help with this), family members, and people I'd invited just to make them jealous. (And yes, this was back when I was miserable and planning a wedding to a guy I knew I couldn't marry became a form of sick escapism.)

My mom would disagree with this plan, with me being the only daughter and all, but, listen: get me a ring under $500 (I'm guessing that's as cheap as they get), let's go to city hall, or the beach, or another place that's basically free, say some vows that we actually mean, and forget all the other crap. Because, really, while I'm sure it's nice to have a big party with fancy stuff, the most valuable part of a wedding is not the things that you buy to make it look pretty, but the love you have for the person you're marrying. (Cheeseball!)

Seriously though. If I have to see another father/daughter first-dance or garter-toss pic in my News Feed, Facebook is going to have to add a "Barf" button.