Maybe I am completely weird, but now that I have started my new project--writing about my three "crazy" semesters of college during which I tried to sleep around and failed miserably--I find that the longer I do it, the harder it is writing from memory. Thinking about that year and a half of my life inversely relates to fading what I remember.
Lucky me I have some saved AIM conversations, a diary I kept regularly for 1.5 of the 3 semesters, notes and letters from some of the guys involved, photos, and a handful of friends with good memories. But I struggle with the moments that I don't have express proof of via one the aforementioned forms--how someone's voice sounded, what that person would have said in a text message, how many times someone would (or wouldn't) call. I'm trying to stay true to the world and my rationality says only put in details I remember--which makes dramatic writing very hard.
There's also the question of inaccurately portraying people. I'm writing the truth about myself and those involved. But I wonder if my memory, seen through my present lens, distorts bits and pieces of people--idealizing or villainizing them in the process.
Because not everyone in my story was outright good or bad. My hazy memory (90 percent of relevant details from these semesters occurred while at least partially drunk) pegs most of the characters as gray--not clear cut black or white. How do I create conflict (or show how it manifested) without stretching a bit? Only, which direction do I go--make myself look like an idiot, or allow someone else to take the fall? Can I find a balance of both? What about all those little details that don't belong anywhere but need to be in the story?
Or maybe I am just over thinking the project in that I'm trying to employ both memoir and fiction techniques to make my story concurrently dramatic and true. In the end, what I really want is a piece I am proud of that tells my story in as many pages as it takes--so that when I want to look back on college 50 years from now, I won't need to rely on my quickly dissolving memory.
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2 comments:
I think you make an interesting point here and maybe what you are looking for is elemental truth. I know it sounds like a bullshit pretentious academic excuse for fibbing but I truly believe that shy of true, all encompassing objective documentary (which in my opinion is the absolute a academic falsehood), recalling your life is a subjective experience with only one honest unwavering fact, your involvement. So what you really need to capture is not the true to life words and characterizations of supporting players but rather, plainly, yourself. If you are honest and accurate to who you were and who you are, nothing else matters. The truth is you.
thank you! I cannot begin to tell you how helpful your words are. I guess my issue is more trusting what I know and believe to be true and not being afraid to put it all out there--for better or for worse...
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