He’s Just Not That Into Marrying Bitches

In the “Relationships” section of nearly any bookstore, you can pick up solutions to even the most complicated problems. You will find books on how to get a guy to propose (Why Men Marry Bitches), how to know if you really should have broken up with your boyfriend (It’s Called a Break-Up Because It’s Broken), how to not self-sabotage (Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives), and how to know if the guy you are dating doesn’t really like you at all (He’s Just Not that Into You). If you are even thinking about picking up that last title in the first place, let me spare you 150+ pages—he’s just not that into you. Done and done.

Are we so insecure that we need people who don’t know us to reassure our feelings and appease our decisions? There are thousands of advice books on Amazon.com that millions of women turn to for so-called self-help. The themes stay the same, yet more and more are published each year, so clearly we either aren’t actually taking the advice or we just enjoy the idea of changing our lives.

Lorri Gottleib, who recently wrote the Atlantic Monthly article, “The Case for Settling” (and was offered both book and movie deals because of it) offers a different piece of advice from the stock “find the man of your dreams” mantra Disney introduced to us (without mentioning that Prince Charmings don’t truly exist). While her advice to just settle for someone imperfect might do some overly picky women some good, in the end, agreeing to spend a lifetime with someone you don’t really want to be with just so you can be with someone (anyone!) sounds like a terrible idea. Settling, while packaged as common sense, might encourage people to marry, but it won’t do anything to ease the divorce rate. How long could you pretend you were in love with someone you just settled for?

Perhaps my favorite example of advice book idiocy is Why Men Marry Bitches by Sherry Argov. Let me admit that I used to rave about this book after a dear friend let me borrow her copy. But after thinking about it about it, the book promotes manipulating men as a means of empowerment. Argov says that when we want our boyfriends to propose we should, calmly and rationally, give them an ultimatum. If that doesn’t work, cut your availability with the guy 60-70 percent. Then, if you still don’t get a ring, meet up with him and end the relationship. Then, cut your availability 97 percent. Argov says the key is not mentioning marriage, and soon the guy will realize he made a huge mistake and propose. I think it is more likely he will find someone else who won’t resort to manipulating him into popping the question.

What Argov doesn’t take into consideration is that the guy hearing these entitlement-ridden speeches is your boyfriend—the guy you love and you have been more intimate with than perhaps anyone else. He will probably call you out on behaving like an automaton, unless of course you always behaves so calmly and rationally. Are we to assume our boyfriends won’t know we are reading them a script? And why date a guy who a) is oblivious to manipulation, and b) would fall for it in the first place? Lorri Gottlieb says we should settle. But I would never want a boyfriend, let alone a husband, who was stupid enough to propose to me after I tricked him into doing so.

It’s fine to have a direct conversation with your boyfriend about marriage—or anything else you want out of your relationship. What’s deplorable to me is how this advice uses male nature against men. Men want what they can’t have, so, Argov tells women if he doesn’t want to marry you—fine, play hard to get. How romantic. Then you can tell your friends about how you got engaged, “Well, first I gave Jim an ultimatum, and then I ignored him so much that he realized he just couldn’t live without me!”

Doree Lewak, author of The Panic Years, would likely say that if I were over 25 (and oh that birthday is rolling up quick), I should follow Argov’s advice and snag a husband, even a stupid one, as soon as possible so I don’t end up miserable, jealous, and lonely. Lewak identifies a late-twenties period where all your friends are getting snatched up by men while you sit at home and cry. And if you aren’t like that, Lewak says you should be. She assumes women buy into society’s crap. That we're naturally desperate. I can’t think of anything more insulting.

Advice books reassure us of our feelings, and provide unrealistic solutions to our problems, yet they also perpetuate fear, insecurity, and unrealistic social expectations. Lewak told MSN.com, “Society still perceives singleness as a personal failure and sends us this classic mixed message that while we should flourish in our careers and embrace our independence, we’re still a failure if we’re single.” Instead of challenging the stigma, Lewak’s book buys into it, ultimately telling women that changing society isn’t an option. We must instead, like so many other advice books advocate, change ourselves.

We see unsolicited advice in bookstores, on magazine covers, in advertisements—all giving us a message that we are doing something wrong, but that there is a purchasable solution—a quick fix. Of course, not all advice is unwanted—sometimes I need to know Cosmopolitan’s nine new ways to put my legs behind my head or how make Martha Stewart's latest Christmas cookie. But we shouldn’t need articles or books written by strangers to help us figure out our lives. The process reminds me of middle school when I would enlist my best friend to ask the guy I liked if he liked me back. It was childish, of course, but it also stopped the flow of information. If I want an answer, I should go straight to the source.

In the end, finding a man is similar to losing weight. Both issues yields dozens of books in your local Barnes and Noble, yet each also has one time-tested theory that we overcomplicate because either we refuse to believe that there isn’t another solution, or we want a quicker, chicer way. If you want to lose weight, eat less, exercise more. If you want a husband, have a heartfelt talk with your boyfriend, or if you are single, get out more and meet more people. Sitting on a couch with that stereotypical pint of ice cream and an advice book won’t make you skinnier or get you any closer to Mr. Right. In fact, it will only make you fatter and lonelier.

Besides, according to Lorri Gottlieb, that Mr. Right doesn’t exist. According to Dr. Laura, you’re going to find ten ways to screw up yourself and your relationship eventually anyway. Plus, there’s always that chance he just won’t be that into you.