Welcome Back

The week got off to a rocky start (to say the least), yet I inadvertently self-soothed in a quite unexpected way, by going back in time. (Do enjoy the probably embarrassing high school pics.)

I know I'm not supposed to live in the past, I'm supposed to move forward, embrace change. These things make me a better person. But I was feeling shitty and was cosmically drawn towards my three high school/early college loves: plays, musicals, and dance.

On Monday, I unearthed a play I did a scene from freshman year of high school called Apocalyptic Butterflies. It's memorable not just because I had to wear lingerie, but because my scene partner was USC footballer Frostee Rucker. I played Frostee's character Hank's mistress, Trudi, and after flipping through the playbook, I found a great quote of hers, which she says to Hank: If I were older and wiser, I'd take a walk. I'd go home, watch 'Miami Vice' and feel good about myself. I'd remind myself how good I live without a man. I'd regain my equilibrium...[but] I look at your skin and I think I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown if I'm not allowed to touch that man's skin. I meet 10 billion other men a day but I see you, my heart has a little heart attack.

Trudi vocalizes how hard it often is to do the rational thing when emotions take over, yet she acknowledges her awareness of that imbalance. I love how we should hate her character but can't bear to--good writing--and I love how she lays it all out for Hank as if she has nothing to lose.



Yesterday I gathered my high school musical CDs (no, no, not real HSM, my HSMs.) First, I put on Noah, the modernish retelling of the Biblical story that our drama teacher wrote while cracked out on psychedelics. I still knew all the words and that was oddly comforting--like a piece of young me still wedged inside somewhere. I couldn't stop smiling, instantly in a great mood. I busted out the Jesus Christ Superstar remastered two-disc set next, which not only reminded me how freakin awesome that show is, but upon being able to sing (poorly) almost every single word, I remembered that I used to pass the time in Geometry class by literally singing the whole show straight-through in my head. Is it wrong that I'm proud of that? Listening to these shows didn't make me nostalgic or wanting to go back, but they were a reprieve from real life and reminded me of a joy I had almost forgotten.




Last night, to cap off this journey of former loves, I took Alex's "Dance Moves" class at Equinox. I thought it was going to be like Cardio Dance, simple but fun. Instead, Alex put on "Womanizer" and led us through a choreographed piece. We know I'm Brit-obsessed, and I listen to that song on repeat on my way to school, so even though it was difficult to get back into the hip-hop/jazz steps, having stopped formally dancing in high school, I was energized, excited, and motivated. I focused on the steps, and escape was mine once again.

Today, as I sit to grade papers, I feel lighter than I have in days. I learned that I need to indulge myself once a while--these former hobbies may just be the loves of my life. I am still that cheery theatre dork deep down. I like that side of me and I am a little embarrassed that I let her get away so easily. Now, I'm keeping her around, if only for when I really need her, whether in taking Alex's Tuesday night class or belting out showtunes on a traffic-jammed 110 Freeway. It's the little things in life that make the biggest difference and this little part of myself, while wholly irrelevant to my current life, keeps me going.

I like knowing I can count on me.

And just for fun--a little inspirational tidbit from Noah:

"Life has a habit of twisting and turning, sometimes it seems so unfair. Hope flies away with no plans for returning, lost in a tear drop somewhere. Trusting we turn toward the heavens above us, with prayers for impossible dreams. Radiant you come as illuminations, floating down milky way streams."