Say it With Me, "I'm Not the Exception..."

Last night, I finally saw He's Just Not That Into You. Loved. Loved. Loved.

Before disclosing why, first, let just me say that I have always made fun of the book on which the movie is based. I've said it's for women who are a little dense. (Like I've written countless times, if you think you need to purchase or read that book, you already know he's not into you, come on now.) The reality is, I didn't want to believe that I too am a little dense. We all know the answer. You know, to that nagging question this book and movie asks again and again:"Does the guy who kinda-sorta treats me like his girlfriend or something but I'm not sure if I really am, actually like me?" The answer, of course, is always, and will always be, one simple word. No. No. He's clearly just not that into you. We've all asked ourselves this question. I did so pretty much daily while I was in college. And, similar to my perspective on the book itself, if you have to even ask yourself that question, you know the answer.

I'll say it again: No.

For some reason we do need a book to tell us this. To put a mirror up to those tendencies women have, which are often ridiculous and unfounded in reality, and reinforce yet another thing we already know, that we're crazy. As the movie showed, our girlfriends are often no help. We don't have the heart to tell each other the truth. Sorry, honey, he's not into you. So we make excuses--maybe he was just tired, maybe his phone died, maybe he is going to call you after he gets home from work. Maybe he really likes you, he's just scared to show you. Maybe he's waiting for the perfect moment to ask you to be his girlfriend/propose/take you on that vacation.

Men don't plot the way we do. As Jerry Seinfeld said in one of his stand-up shows, here is what men are really thinking about: "Nothing." If they aren't seeming interested, they certainly aren't strategizing the best way to win us over. The movie offered one critical piece of advice (which may or may not be in the book, I haven't read it.) None of us are the exception. There is no maybe, no excuse. There are a couple simple truths:

1. If a guy wants to see you, he will find a way to make it happen.

2. If he's treating you like you're not important to him, you're not important to him.

3. If he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship, he does not want to be in a relationship.

and, just to say it:
4. If he doesn't seem like he is that into you, he's just not that into you.

We don't want to believe these things because they are hurtful. So, instead, our minds work against rational thought. In addition to our girlfriends helplessly supplying us with hope (can you blame them?) we tell ourselves all kinds of lies. We build up false expectations, we fantasize, we turn men into gods. Very unhealthy. When I lived in New York, my boyfriend at the time was filming a documentary all over the country. Valentine's Day weekend he was slated to be in Utah. He called me from the set that day. But a little part of me hoped, dreamed, yes, even believed, that maybe he wasn't really out in the snow with a camera slung over his shoulder. Maybe he was at JFK, right then, about to jump into a cab to surprise me. This is what I call the "rose on the doorstep" fantasy. That one day, I'll come home and find something waiting there. Or that some kind of unprompted, surprise romantic gesture will seismically occur. It's completely irrational and unfounded in any sort of reality. A gal can dream, right?

In the movie, such an event takes place and surprise, surprise, it was my favorite part and I almost cried. (If you've seen the movie, it was the part where Ben Affleck magically appears in the kitchen. If you haven't, go see it.) I loved this part because it was a rose on the doorstep. It was one of those situations you dream about but don't tell anyone. It was one of those situations you dream about that never happens.

I don't want to stop dreaming. I don't want to crush the part of me that's a hopeless romantic. But I have to remember, I am not the exception. I am the rule.

Of course, this movie (and the book) is not the gospel. I'm sure there are exceptions. But I think this bold, straight-forward perspective is important to remember. There is nothing wrong with hoping, as long as it is somewhat rooted in reality. If anything, the film is a good reminder to not just say what our girlfriends want to hear and to be honest (and gentle, of course), when they ask our advice. Most importantly, we need to be honest with ourselves.