Bloggers' Block

I haven't written on this thing in what feels like a while. (The last post was written at least three weeks before posting, which feels like blog-cheating to me.) After thinking about why a) I haven't been able to think of anything to write and b) why I have resisted writing/thinking to hard about what to write, I may have figured it out. I started thinking too much about my audience.

When I started this blog, I didn't think too much about who would read it, how it might affect people, etc. In a way, I believed no one was really reading it, even when comments started appearing. There's a degree of distance when you're sitting alone at your kitchen table typing into your stickered-out MacBook, a sense of invisibility, especially since you will likely never actually watch people reading your blog.

Call it performance anxiety, bloggers' block, whatever, I have it, and I have it bad. (There is a more concrete reason, I think, a certain person who may or may not be reading this, who could be the entire reason I am feeling this way. Even giving so little of an explanation on that front makes me self-conscious.)

Might sound a little crazy or backwards-stalkerish, but I have become perhaps a little too aware of who might be reading what I put out online. Here's a confession: sometimes, oh, who am I kidding, almost always, I have a specific audience or purpose in mind when I type in a Facebook status update. In case you haven't noticed, I can be a tiny bit neurotic.

Because I read way too much into things, I believe other people do too. So I decided I would dig up some of my past updates and put what I was actually trying to say with each update beneath (which you should be able to get without an explanation if you are as weird as I am):

1. Natasha Burton is in literateaaaaaaa
I will be in the campus coffee shop all day. And I want you to come visit me.

2. Natasha Burton stares sadly at the cute little skirt that is clearly unwearable today. boo. thanks a lot clouds.
Even though I will be forced to wear pants today, please picture me in the skirt and how good it would have looked.

3. Natasha Burton is predicting a main street block party, fab party pics, and my tongue turning green (the dye in the beer stains, right? cause i'm sorta counting on that...)
I'm basically going to have an amazing St. Patty's Day, and you should either be jealous or just come join me.

4. Natasha Burton carried a watermelon. again.
This is a quote from Dirty Dancing, when Baby bumps into hottie Patrick Swayze and all she says is, "I carried a watermelon." Meagan and I use this phrase to denote moments of humiliation. In this case, I want you to know I am embarrassed, which I hope you find endearing.

5. Natasha Burton wants to wake up in a city that doesn't sleep.
Oh yeah, I lived in New York. And I miss it. I am so cool.

6. Natasha Burton is incognito.
Yesterday, I hid from someone at the gym, quite unsuccessfully. It sucked because I totally wanted to be spotted, by this very person, at the gym sometime but of course it only happened when I forgot a hairtie and looked like crap. I am at the gym right now, looking really cute and wearing a hat, so if you see this and want to walk by, that would be really great because then I would totally get to redeem myself. Thanks.

7. Natasha Burton is ooh, overdue, gimme some room, I'm comin' through.
Using the immortal words of Ms. Christina Aguillera, I will have you know that I am going into a battle-like situation in which I need to be fierce and sassy, and so require the strength of Top 40 pop princess music.

8. Natasha Burton by now should've somehow realized what you gotta do. i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now.
Another song lyric (Wonderwall by Oasis--love it). This means I am about to break-up with my boyfriend.

9. Natasha Burton is omfg
I just did something crazy. And I want everyone to know.

10. Natasha Burton used to be so amused at Napoleon in rags and the language that he used. go to him now, he calls you, you can't refuse...
Clearly, I'm a big fan of using lyrics. They work on so many levels. Here I want you to know how cool I am for listening to Bob Dylan. I also want you to know that there is someone I can't "refuse." I. Am. So. Deep.

I don't know what's crazier--that I actually think too hard about this crap or that I am knowingly carrying yet another watermelon by admitting it. Please have a laugh at my expense. But only if you promise to still love me.