W.W.A.N.D.?

I have a black-and-white postcard baring Audrey Hepburn tacked to the bottom of a dry-erase calendar behind the door of my room. Her photo is nestled in between a photo of my college girl crew roughly 30 minutes before a male stripper arrived at our then apartment for one of our birthdays (of course this was my idea) and a photo of me at six, standing in just my underwear, my long hair down to my waist and festooned with a bandanna. I look rather angry with my hands on my hips.

Sometimes I wonder what Audrey, with her penchant for helping children in foreign countries, as a wearer of Givenchy, and the owner of both perfect eyebrows and a slight, elegant frame would not do, should she be living today. I mean, she was one classy broad. Here's what I've surmised:



What Would Audrey NOT Do?

1. Host a reality show.
2. Frequent The GasLite.
3. Wear platform Gladiator sandals.
4. Do body shots.
5. Eat a fried Twinkie.
6. Read Us Weekly. (Forget about Perez Hilton.)
7. "Forget" to wear underwear/allow the paparazzi to snap photos up her dress.
8. Associate with Denise Richards.
9. Get Botox.
10. Have a Facebook fan page.
11. Drink Red Bull/vodkas.
12. Attend Promises in Malibu.
13. Allow her thong to show over low-rider jeans.
14. Star in a film alongside Will Smith.

This is just a short list. But I do wonder sometimes what it would be like if Hollywood still had some decorum. Or just loose standards. (P.S. I've stuck to that New Year's resolution to stop reading gossip sites/trashy rag mags. I only partake while at the hair salon. Or when I have a cold. I certainly don't miss knowing what product Heidi Klum or Kelly Ripa is hawking this week. Or who's in rehab. I don't even know who Jon and Kate are--except I understand they have eight kids and she has a terribly tragic haircut. Thumbs up.)