*Insert Eye-Roll Here*

I was mindlessly trolling the Internet this evening and came across a WikiHow article entitled "How to Convince a Girl to Buy You a Drink", which pretty much made me want to kill myself.

Now, there is nothing wrong with girls buying guys drinks. I've somehow cultivated a circle of very gentlemanly male friends, which means I rarely buy my own drinks, so I enjoy treating guys when they let me. Which is not often. (And with my teacher's salary, their generosity is very much appreciated.) I do have a problem with people who assume that another person should buy them anything. And I especially cannot stand the girl who leans on a bar and asks/demands the complete (male) stranger standing next to her to buy her a drink. I don't care if it's her birthday or whatever. It's rude.

So, when I came across this article, I was, at first, amused. In fact, I looked forward to reading about the creative ways the author may have devised to give girls a taste of their own medicine. But then I realized that said author was a douche. (And an anonymous one at that--good call buddy.)

Apparently, the way to get a girl to buy you a drink is to tell her a really awesome story about this super chill time when some totally bangin' chick bought you a drink. Here's the example given:

Check this out. I was at this bar the other night and I met this really cool girl and we hit it off so she offered to buy me a drink. So I agreed and we walked over to the bar and I told her since she's buying, she has to choose the drink. She gave like this evil smile that made me worried, kind of like your smile, and she ordered something I can’t even pronounce from the bartender. Then the bartender started smiling and I was like, hooooolly $#&#. This cannot be good. So the bartender mixed a bunch of stuff up and put it together and then I swear, he lit it on fire, and while it’s still on fire this girl tells me to down it! So we both downed it and I felt fine - till like 30 seconds later - I don’t think I've ever been that drunk from one drink in my entire life! A great night though!

If the girl hasn't broken a bottle over your head (and used the serrated edge to slit her own throat), then you should say to her, "I doubt if when you buy me a drink it'll be that exciting but I'm sure that with a little creativity we can think of something..." Author/douche points out that "if you look closely" you will see how this statement makes assumptions that the girl has already agreed to buy you a drink. It also makes an assumption that if she doesn't, she sucks. And that even if she does buy you one, it can't possibly top fake girl's drink-purchasing. Genius. Here would be my question, if that girl was so cool, why isn't he with her now?

The article goes on to dispense other tactics, including magic tricks and number games which sound suspiciously (exactly) like Mystery's tactics in The Game, which would, no doubt, convince a woman to choke herself rather than shell out $8+ for some guy.

The only good part of this article was the "warning" at the bottom, which read: "Women who roll their eyes and don't display a sense of humor in response to your antics aren't worth your time. Move on." Right. I get that the advice is lighthearted and all but the author/douche assumes women are stupid. And that we should humor some stupid guy who we don't even know and probably didn't want to talk to in the first place. And then we should spent money on him.

Luckily, in the wake of my utter disappointment in WikiHow, I found solace in T-Pain's enduring classic, "Buy U A Drank," which can be viewed here.