Being Not Awesome

So I sometimes write for this semi-cool website called The Little Black Blog of Big Red Flags. We just started posting flags about chicks and while we've long contended that guys are douchbags, girls are freakin' crazy.

And when I say girls, I mean myself included. I may be super awesome now, but there was a point in time when I wasn't. I know, I know, you may have to suspend reality for a second here to believe that. I am pretty sure I not only wasn't awesome but that I also did things that would land me into your-girlfriend-kinda-blows territory. Here is a short list of things I've done--things that I think (hope) most girls have done at some point--which made me really not awesome. Note to self, never do these things again:

1. Talk incessantly while you're with a bunch of dudes watching sports. If you want to watch the game, watch the f-in game. If not, go do something else or shut up. Seriously. This also goes for attending any social event just for the sake of going. If you don't want to go to his cousin's sister's wedding (and plan on complaining the whole time about it) just stay home.

2. Check your boyfriend's text messages after he leaves his cell phone on his nightstand when he gets up to use the bathroom. Then act all crazy when he gets back and ask him weird, leading questions without telling him you were snooping.

3. Stress over the girls who write on his Facebook wall. And then grill him about each one. (Extra-unawesomeness for passive-aggressively being a bitch to him because you suspect that the blond chick who asked about his trip to Europe is actually sleeping with him on nights you're not over at his place and inevitably will coerce him to dump you because she not only gives better blowjobs but is also thinner than you and can afford clothes from J.Crew).

4. Whine.

5. Adopt an exclusive costume of sweatpants and/or grandma pajamas.

6. Ask, "Are you mad at me?" He probably is. And if he wasn't, he should be now.

7. Refuse to have sex with him. Dude. Oh, you have a good excuse? Well, if there are circumstances which make you unable to muster any physical attraction toward him, it's time to break up. We aren't in a relationship because we're good at being friends.

8. Ask him to "check in" when he's out with the guys. Because it makes you look like an amazing girlfriend when you take your boyfriend away from his friends so you can ask him if he's having a good time. Um, he was--until you made him exclude himself so he could call you.