Love Stinks. Yeahhh...Yeahhh

I got an email from one of my friends yesterday beginning with: You know all those love songs about how horrible it is to be heartbroken? They're TRUE. Naturally, I had the immediate urge to squeeze this person to death, as to hopefully alleviate the pain of love lost, or at least replace it with the crushing force of my roided-out biceps.

Breaking up suuuuucks....

After blasting "I Will Survive" (and pretending to be sooooo over it), there is perhaps nothing more depressingly awesome than being super sad and then finding (and downloading) the saddest possible songs I can think of, making a sad-song-mix CD and then driving around aimlessly, feeling terrifically sorry for myself and crying. I suggest this tactic to anyone wanting to get over (wallow in) heartbreak. (This and shopping.) In case you're not sure what songs should be on this sad-song mix, let me, good-music-aficionado-extraordinaire, assist you:


Step One: Imminent Torture, various artists
First things first. If the person you were with ever made you a mix CD, which you listened to on repeat for a good couple of months and therefore, because of this devoted listening, contains at least 15 songs which remind you exclusively of this person and the best part of your relationship together (the beginning--before the guy made you believe you will never (never!) love anyone else again your whole entire miserable life), you will probably want to pop that into your car's stereo. And, while you're at it, gather any of "your songs," as well as any song you might associate with the dude: the song playing over the credits of that movie you saw, the one playing in the background of the bar the night you were sure he was in love with you, his cell phone ring tone. And alarm jingle. Then, when you think you can't possibly sob anymore, continue to step two!

Step Two: I Don't Want to Live Without Your Love, Nothing Compares to You, I Was Born to Make You Happy, I'm Missing You, I'll Never Get Over You Getting Over Me, etc, etc
After repeated play of the mix CD, which likely spiraled you into a fury where you snapped said CD in half and almost shot a piece of plastic into your own eye (let this be a warning--CDs don't actually break neatly in half, especially when you're mad), gather some much-needed easy-listening, ultra-cheesy stuff. Because when you're depressed, you don't think about how lame these songs seem--in fact, they accurately depict exactly how you feel and you can't believe you ever thought they were lame in the first place. Yes, Sinead O'Connor. Yes.

Step Three: Lady in Red, The Way You Look Tonight, You're the Inspiration, When You Really Love a Woman, I'll Never Break Your Heart, The Power of Love
Next, shift gears and go to songs that have nothing to do with heartbreak, but revolve around true love. True love you are certainly never going to find, so might as well feel even more sorry for yourself. This is typically the deluded stage where you re-imagine the now-disillusioned relationship, as if yours was a love as great as these songs depict. And then you cry sweet tears of remorse, trying to figure out what it was you did to prevent this great love from materializing. Maybe you should have been better about shaving your legs? Or let him pick the restaurant that one time? Damn you, stuffed animal collection. And nail-biting habit. If only, if only, if only...

Step Four: Man in the Mirror, One Moment in Time, The Greatest Love
The final step of this sad-song process requires you to shift gears a little. Instead of love songs about another person, choose love songs...about yourself. I mean, how did you get down this path of pain and destruction in the first place? Why didn't he love you the way you deserved? Because you didn't love...yourself.

I never claimed to be cool. Just F-Y-I.

Being the completely not-self-absorbed person I am, when I hear about someone breaking up, I think about myself. Being the pessimist I am, I think about how shitty it would be to break up anyway, even when I'm super-happy. Because someday, I probably won't be. (Great attitude, huh?) I mean, sure, I have a pretty tried-and-true game plan, but wouldn't it be nice to never have that gaping-hole-in-your-chest-that's-never-going-to-end feeling again?