Wishing You a Magical Holiday Season with Rainbows and Wishes and Vomit

There is only one thing I hate about the holidays--other than the creepy jingle "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"--and it is picking out Christmas cards.

I was in Vons this morning sifting through the meager selection of holiday greetings and found myself audibly expressing my disgust over the course of the 30 minutes I spent standing there praying to find something that was somewhat okay. If the cards weren't over-the-top, barf-in-my-mouth sappy ("May the spirit of Christmas and the magical joys of the season burn brightly in your heart"), they were just plain dumb ("Ho-Ho-Hope you have a Merry Christmas!"). Then there were the ones that looked somewhat okay from the outside, then, upon opening, surprised me with some god-awful pun about eggnog, or farts, or both.

Who writes these cards? Who get PAID to write these cards? I would like to know. And I would like to shake these people and ask them what horrific event happened in their lives that must have poisoned their minds in order to write the dumbest shit I have ever read in my life, slap it together with some stereotypical images of fireplaces and snow falling, and stick it on the grocery store shelves so well-intentioned people (like me) want to murder someone because we can't find a Christmas card that isn't completely asinine?

Anyway. I hate them.