Ten Signs You're an Idiot

Opening my laptop this morning I spot a most scintillating article on Yahoo! that brings my sleepy eyes into focus. “Ten Signs You’re Dating a Commitment-Ready Guy” by Caroline Presno is the type of article I can’t help but pour over and analyze. After all, the state of my relationship might depend on it.

“Are you ready for a relationship that is going to lead somewhere without you being led on?,” Presno asks. “If you're interested in getting married, ignore [this article] at your own risk.” Basically, if you don’t want to be stuck treading water in relationship purgatory without an engagement ring, read on.

At first glance, with only a few sips of coffee in my belly, I was able to point out two “signs” my boyfriend Willie fulfills right away. Willie does take care of me when I am sick! And he asks for my opinion on…well…everything. (How much detergent he should put in the washing machine? Should he wear socks or not?) Yes! We’re on the right track! Does that make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside? You bet.

Besides the presumption on Presno’s part that her signs will solve all my wonderings about my relationship, this article creates another problem for itself—it’s bullshit. There really is only one sign you’re dating a commitment ready guy: All you have to do is ask. “Hey, you—what do you think about us getting married one day?”

Phhsst—that would never work, you say. Men don’t like to take about marriage. That would scare them away. Too fucking bad! If a simple question leads your boyfriend to run for the hills, as the phrase goes, then you have your answer. Besides, who concocted the idea that we can’t talk about marriage with men in the first place? How do we all implicitly know we shouldn’t bring it up? Presno and company encourage use of their “signs” and other tricks because if we could just ask our boyfriends, without being afraid to, these experts would be out of jobs.

Presno wrote a book entitled “Profiling Your Date: A Smart Woman’s Guide to Evaluating a Man,” which, like her article, tells us to carefully analyze potential husbands in order to not end up with Mr. Wrong, or, worse, nobody at all. Since when do we need help deciding if a guy is (to quote the book’s website) “narcissistic, rude, or unreliable”? Smart women have no need for this book. But plenty will pick it up.

Her signs are obvious: “The guy who is commitment-ready is going to initiate doing things with you…A guy who keeps you separate from the important people in his life is just playing around.” These are laughable, certainly not for women in real relationships, with committed boyfriends. Nor for savvy single women, or anyone with half a brain.

Let’s try something new. Don’t click the link. Don’t buy the book. Let’s stop the wondering. Stop the analyzing. Why don’t we stop treating our boyfriends like a case study or a lab experiment? Let’s stop soliciting advice from people who don’t even know us. Stop second-guessing our instincts. Just ask.