Done.

For the first time in, ooh, about 10 years I have a crush on nobody. (This estimate doesn't include the slew of middle school/summer camp heartthrobs. Really, if I were to be completely honest, the last time I for sure did not have a crush on some dumb kid was the summer between second and third grade. Unless I went to camp that summer too...)

Anyway, the point is: For the first time, pretty much ever, I've got no one. No guy. No prospects. No drama. No one to wear dresses for. No one to impress.

I'm sad about this. Not about the lack of someone, but the lack of a very specific someone. The details of what happened are not important, but I will say that this decision was not mine. Was I dumped? Not exactly. You can't be dumped if you weren't someone's girlfriend to begin with (and no, apparently daily contact, flowers on your birthday, candlelit home-cooked dinners, really really good sex, and random funny texts are not signs you are in a real relationship. Lesson learned.)

But I digress. I'm not bitter, and I hope I don't come off that way. Sad, yes. Confused a little, yes. Feeling like a complete idiot for thinking I was in love, most definitely. Still hoping he'll change his mind, of course.

That's the whole problem. I can't help but wonder how much of this relationship was created in my head because of what I wanted it to be. Now, I'm left to wonder what assupmtions I made to convince myself of what exactly we were (aside from the above list).

I just finished reading a philosophy book called The Four Agreements and one of the tenets is to not make assumptions (where this book was five months ago, I would like to know). The author, Don Miguel Ruiz, says we need assumptions because, many of us, me certainly, are too afraid to ask questions: "It is not important if [the answer you seek] is correct; just the answer itself makes us feel safe." When others don't tell us something (or we don't ask), we "make assumptions to fulfill our need to know and to replace the need to communicate."

Over the last few months, questions ran loop in my head. Is this guy my boyfriend? How does he feel about me? So terrified was I that he didn't feel the way I did, yet so hopeful that he could, I was paralyzed. I literally could not bring myself to ask. Though, I guess I can find some comfort in that fact that when I did pose these questions, after he said he couldn't do this anymore (and we were no longer "whatever"), his answer was: "I don't know."

First, to address the glaring issue with this response: I know I cannot be with someone who doesn't know how they feel about me. So as much as I am hurting, I have more respect for myself than to accept that kind of indifference. Love me! Hate me! Something!

Yet, maybe it was better to enjoy the fantasy, that maybe, just maybe, this could be love, for a couple months, than to have known right away that someone who seemed to love me certainly did not. Kidding oneself is bliss.

My new guru DMR had another nugget of wisdom that resonated with me over the past few days: "If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away. Then you choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices."

So, here it is, my choice. No more guys. No more putting myself in a position where I don't know where I stand. No more putting my needs aside so I can make someone else feel good.

Maybe it's about time I fall in love with myself for a change.